Astrological Compatibility: Aries

Aries and Taurus
What they have in common: Anger.
Quintessential Couple: Posh Spice and David Beckham.
Fights will be explosive. Makeup sex will be violent and scary. Both are animals, and will create a slew of babies.

Aries and Gemini
What they have in common: Youthfulness, immaturity.
Quintessential Couple: Most trailer park families.
This is a case of babies makin’ babies. Neither are fit to parent. Both love to gamble. They make excellent meth-head parents. Aries admires Gemini’s baby face, Gemini doesn’t mind being plowed by the ram.

Aries and Cancer
What they have in common: Victim/savior complex.
Quintessential Couple: Cinderella and Prince Charming.
One of the worst, yet very common, astrological pairings. Cancer is a cry baby with a Cinderella complex, looking for his or her knight in shining armor; that is, they’re looking for a sugar daddy/mommy. No one is more fit to serve as an asshole in a power suit tossing money around than the ram. Aries will make it rain, Cancer will drown Aries in a pool of wet emotion. Sex will be an act of conquer. Cancer will thrive off of Aries the Troglodyte’s vanilla, enjoying being made into a sexual victim by the warrior of the zodiac.

Aries and Leo
What they have in common: Passion, masculinity.
Quintessential Couple: Jessie James and Sandra Bullock.
Aries will F the F out of Leo, Leo will happily parade around in white cotton undies and pretend to be the ram’s prey. Sex is like a UFC fight. Shared finances will be retardedly chaotic, neither having a single spendthrift bone in their collective body. Both are childlike, and would make a fun, if not broke and indebted, parental unit.

Aries and Virgo
What they have in common: Nothing.
Quintessential Couple: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe.
Virgo will analyze and splay the poor baby ram until he or she gets pissy and pulls a gun on the virgin (metaphorically and literally). Virgo loves to sexually please though (Virgo is the cock gobbler of the zodiac after all), and since Aries is missing the cognitive faculties of a normal homosapien, this relationship could stay afloat for a long time despite their lack of fundamental compatibility. Virgo will offer oral sex after tearing into the ram’s sense of self, the ram will feel satiated for another night.

Aries and Libra
What they have in common: Sociability, spending money.
Quintessential Couple: Bonnie and Clyde.
Terrible sexual relationship. Libra is a wet blanket who won’t take their shirt off during sex. Aries is a power thrusting jack hammering mother fucker, literally. Lack of sexual compatibility will be masked by their mutual desire to impress their friends by their mismanagement of money. They’ll have a sexless, yet opulent home. Aries will admire Libra’s femininity, Libra will feel raped.

Aries and Scorpio
What they have in common: Viscerality.
Quintessential Couple: Quentin Tarantino and Julie Dreyfus.
Scorpio will quickly tire of Aries’ hardcore missionary, get er’ done brand of sexuality, and Scorpio’s shifty moods will eventually wear on Aries’ cromagnum sense of emotionality. Aries will wonder “Why sad? Why leaving? Me want sex!” while suicidal Scorpio is attempting to jump off the roof to avoid further contact with the retarded ram.

Aries and Sagittarius
What they have in common: Optimism, shared sense of adventure.
Quintessential Couple: Britney and K Fed.
Sagittarius is the selfless philosopher. Aries is a selfish baby. Neither are terribly sensitive, sharing the emotional capacity of barnyard animals, and thus can weather a great deal of turmoil. Sex will be adventurous and fun. They make excellent travel companions, the Aries often ditching the Saggie for someone more willing to stroke their enormous ego.

Aries and Capricorn
What they have in common: Daddy complexes, desire for power.
Quintessential Couple: Holly Madison and Hugh Hefner.
Excellent power couple. Capricorn is a gold-digging shapeshifter, molding themselves into whatever it is the Aries appears to want, in exchange for some cheeze and derivative social power, of course. Slow Aries may take a decade to catch onto Cap’s tendency to exploit. Sex will be whatever the Aries wants; prostitution scenarios abound.

Aries and Aquarius
What they have in common: Excitability.
Quintessential Couple: My Parents.
Aquarius will accidently ignore Aries out of existence. Aries will tire of the dreamy psychonaughtic distance of the Aquarius, and will rampage to grab their attention. Sex will be bizarre and a little perverse, as is all Aquarius sex. Both love children, and will make unaffectionate yet fun parents.

Aries and Pisces
What they have in common: Teacher/student complex.
Quintessential Couple: Archie and Edith Bunker.
One is the youngest sign in the zodiac, the other the oldest. Aries can’t grasp Pisces’ elusive, ethereal sexuality, and Pisces will be embarrassed by Aries’ animalistic grunting. Pisces will attempt to teach the young sheep about kindness and empathy, while the ram stuffs cotton in her ears and ignores his good advice. The boringness and lack of sexual connectivity of this match will eventually erode their relationship. However, there is a good chance that Pisces, the most mutable sign of the zodiac, will eventually transform themselves into whatever it is Aries desires in a partner (passivity and ego stroking), leaving the ram yawning yet satisfied.

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